The white knuckles of motherhood

Motherhood is filled with beautiful moments that make your heart swell so big, you wonder if it might just explode, but it is also filled with white knuckle moments.  Those moments you hold onto the stroller handle just a little bit tighter, that moment you wonder if you might just snap a steering wheel in half, while you silently scream on the inside, so your children won’t see that they’ve managed to really push your patience off a cliff.  

The type of mother I thought I would be and the type of mother I am are two completely different people, sometimes I feel like I’m Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.  It’s strange how the thing that made your heart explode with love, makes you so proud and have so much fun with, is also the person that makes you hulk out.  The person that makes you stare in the distance, while you scream and scream in your head.  I always thought of myself as a calm person, but nothing prepared me for the rage of motherhood.

Going for a quick pee with the door open so I can keep a watchful eye on my little terror, to see him get on the couch, grab the laptop, stand on the couch, continue to fall off the couch, making me sprint with my pants down from the toilet leap and somehow manage to save his big old head from hitting the ground, this is one of the reasons I no longer wear pants during the day.    The rage that swept through me as I grabbed this boundary pushing toddler, made me want to shout what’s wrong with you? into his face.  Instead I felt like I might get a brain tumour while calmly telling him he can’t stand on the couch, do you want to guess what I got? a big old tantrum. The white knuckles of motherhood can happen at any moment.  No, moment is sacred and you will often find yourself wondering, what the heck?!

Motherhood drives me bat crap crazy.  The impatience, frustration, and what the heck moments is overwhelming.  Arren is completely stubborn and determent, he will keep going until he gets his way.  In the heat of the moment is hard to remember that he’s just a kid, he’s learning while doing all these completely crazy things, but at other times I can see he’s just trying to press the button that makes steam shoot out my ears, like when he makes direct eye contact with me, he will wait until I look him in his eyes, picks up his food, and slowly drop it to the ground.  Pushing buttons is fun, defiance and pushing boundaries is all part of growing up.  I was a tyrant as a child, teenager and an adult.

Life isn’t just a series of perfect moments, thrown together with cute toddler smiles and hugs.  Motherhood is a balance, it’s all those cute little moments and  a whole bunch of defiance and biting out of frustration.

Most of the time I feel myself turning into this monster just made out of rage, the rage becomes a person of itself, as I feel the whistling of the kettle go off inside my head, and the steam slowly releases out of my ears.  I can feel the screaming want to take over as my cute beautiful son, this little person I made, shakes the screen of the fireplace, while I say no, instead of listening climb into said fireplace, and when I take him out, all hell breaks loose.  How dare I take him out? can’t I see he’s friggin fire?  I get it Arren you’re lit.  but the kicking and limp body as I pick him up, sends shivers of rage through my body, warming my throat up, into the shrillest shrieks that i don’t even know who I am anymore?!

The white knuckles of motherhood isn’t all bad, it’s helped me grow more into the person I want to be it’s helped me look at what’s more important to me and helped me let go just a little bit.  So having a beautifully clean house, like we had before we had a baby, might never happen again, but I have beautiful moments and a built in best friend that gives me all the hugs I want.  Instead of biting we’ve taught him to stomp his feet.  A less painful and way cuter approach, but Arren is never angry or upset for long, he usually gets over things really quickly, unless it’s bed time, in that case he wont get over it, and will continue showing you who’s boss.  Spoiler alert, it’s never me…

Leave a Reply