I remember when I became a mother, how it all didn’t feel real, sometimes it would feel like Arren was just going to pack his little baby suitcase and say “bye, ma. I’m off to live my life now.” It didn’t feel real that he was mine forever, as he’s gotten older I sometimes still forget that he is still a little baby and still looks for comfort in his mama arms.
He’s always been his own little person, I never felt like he needed me much, I carried him around, but it felt more like he commanded me where to go. Even with breastfeeding, I never had that aaaaw this is beautiful moments, Arren is such a little scratching menace that I never felt like it was how people portrayed it, don’t get me wrong, I love the closeness and the fact that I’m nurturing my beautiful baby with milk I made, but man, when you look deep in your babies eyes while you think this is nice and they just let the biggest, smelliest toot rip and you don’t know how to escape it and you kind of just have to sit and dwell in the smell while wondering what kind of mess awaits you with the next diaper change, all beauty kind of goes out the window.
even with all his independence, he is still little and still looks to me for comfort and in those moments, my heart just does a complete flop in my chest while exploding into a thousand unicorn kisses. There is nothing as special and amazing as seeing your baby want to be with you and needing you so completely, it is such a short window where they need you so in these moments I just take a second to enjoy it.
The moments that I want to remember forever.
- The way he rests his head on my shoulder or chest when he’s sleepy or not feeling well.
- When he’s all tuckered out and he is content with just sitting and holding me on the couch.
- How he keeps a watchful eye on me when he is in anyone else’s arms.
- How he pretends he can’t see his papa and turns his head away from him in hopes that he won’t have to go to him instead.
- My favourite moment so far was when we just couldn’t calm him down after an especially difficult night of teething, when we finally managed to get him down to sleep, 5 minutes later, he crawled from his crib with such determination to me, pulled me out of Carl’s arms and plopped in my arms while holding on to me so tightly. We cuddled the whole night and when he woke he felt so much better.
Sometimes all you need is the comfort of someone you love’s arms, that comforting touch and reassurance knowing that everything will be okay. Even though he’s going to get older and become more and more independent these fleeting moments are what’s so important. Helping Arren get confidence and independence in himself and his abilities is my job. Watching him grow into such a wonderful little boy and eventually man, is the greatest gift I can get, but I hope I get a lot more cuddles before he’s completely independent.